Things Nobody Tells You About College Debt


Taking a $200,000 loan may seem like a great idea, but it ends up that free money sometimes has a catch. Here are things that everyone wishes they knew before going into college debt.

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Having A Lot Of It Really Sucks

Having A Lot Of It Really Sucks

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Sorry to break it to you, but all those people who have been going around telling you how awesome college debt is have not been telling the truth.

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It’s A Figment Of Our Collective Imagination

It’s A Figment Of Our Collective Imagination

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Sallie Mae’s customer service representatives won’t tell you this but we will.

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You Should Be Able To Pay Off Most Of It By Signing A 10-year, $300 Million Contract With The Los Angeles Dodgers

You Should Be Able To Pay Off Most Of It By Signing A 10-year, $300 Million Contract With The Los Angeles Dodgers

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All you have to do now is convince the team that you’re worth it.

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Humans Have the Highest Amount of College Debt

Humans Have the Highest Amount of College Debt

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At a distant second, otters have an average student debt of $11,000 per capita.

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You’ll Never Be Able To Do Anything With Your Life

You’ll Never Be Able To Do Anything With Your Life

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This isn’t exactly related to loans, but it definitely would have been helpful to hear before you took out a thousands in loans.

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You Can’t Hire An Assassin To Kill It

You Can’t Hire An Assassin To Kill It

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No, you can’t send $50,000 in crypto​ to ​a hitman on the dark web to solve your little problem.

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It’s Not An Aphrodisiac

It’s Not An Aphrodisiac

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People with steep student loan debt often erroneously console themselves with the false idea that, if nothing else, it will get them laid.

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It Means You’re A Bad Person

It Means You’re A Bad Person

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Not having $100,000 saved by the age of 17 reflects poorly on your character and upbringing.

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Changing Haircuts Doesn’t Eliminate Your Loan

Changing Haircuts Doesn’t Eliminate Your Loan

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Swapping your long layers for a bob or pixie cut doesn’t somehow delete the person who took out the loan in the first place.

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The Fast Casual Dining Perks

The Fast Casual Dining Perks

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Most people don’t know this, but if you provide proof of having over $300,000 in student loans, Applebee’s will give you a free Dollarita dollar margarita!

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It Can’t Be Reasoned With

It Can’t Be Reasoned With

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Student loans are an unstoppable, crushing force of nature that cannot be stopped with pleas to logic or mercy.

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Your University Gym Membership Ends As Soon As You Graduate

Your University Gym Membership Ends As Soon As You Graduate

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You’d think for that much money you’d have a lifetime membership at the University Gym, but nope.

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All The Money You Owe Goes Towards Feeding The Hungry

All The Money You Owe Goes Towards Feeding The Hungry

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Bet you feel kinda shitty for not paying off that debt sooner.

You Can Haggle

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If you are skilled in the art of negotiation, you can argue until your sum is lowered to a debt you can pay off in corn, wheat, or well-fed hogs.

Smells Like Sulfur

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The longer you take to repay your student loans, the longer a putrid smell of rotten eggs will emit from every pore in your body.

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Defaulting On Your Loans Will Result in Your Knowledge Being Revoked

Defaulting On Your Loans Will Result in Your Knowledge Being Revoked

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If you don’t make your payments, Psych 103 will be repossessed.

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Student Loan Debt Stops You From Doing A Lot Of Stuff You Weren’t Going To Do Anyway

Student Loan Debt Stops You From Doing A Lot Of Stuff You Weren’t Going To Do Anyway

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Getting married, owning a car, owning a house—these are things you were never interested in that are now completely unavailable.

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It Can Be Paid Back In A Lump Sum Or Over The Course Of Several Lifetimes

It Can Be Paid Back In A Lump Sum Or Over The Course Of Several Lifetimes

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Whatever is easiest for your current budget.

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The President Could Cancel All 1.5 Trillion Of It With The Stroke Of A Pen With No Impact On Spending Or Inflation

The President Could Cancel All 1.5 Trillion Of It With The Stroke Of A Pen With No Impact On Spending Or Inflation

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Somehow the most fucked up part of it all.



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