FDA Advisory Committee Meets To Discuss Hearty Autumn Soup Recipes

SILVER SPRING, MD—Acknowledging the need to issue federal guidelines before the season’s crisp, cooler weather spread across the country, a special advisory committee of the Food and Drug Administration reportedly met Monday to formulate recommendations for hearty autumn soup recipes. “While we have agreed that carrots, parsnips, and sweet potatoes are all wholesome ingredients, we … Read more

FDA Authorizes First E-Cigarettes To Stay On U.S. Market

The FDA has authorized the sale of Vuse Solo e-cigarettes and tobacco-flavored pods, explaining that the benefits for adults trying to quit smoking outweigh the risks to young people, while also stressing that authorization does not mean the products are safe or FDA-approved. What do you think? “Luckily, it’s impossible for an e-cig maker to … Read more

Half-Shredded Banksy Painting Sells For $25.4 Million

A partially destroyed Banksy painting, Love Is In The Bin, has sold at auction for $25.4 million, more than 18 times what it went for three years ago when it was sold just before the piece was half-shredded by a concealed shredder in the frame. What do you think? “Hopefully, Banksy can now afford a shredder … Read more

The Onion’s Guide To Socially Responsible Investing

Over the past several years, interest has grown in investing in companies that meet the guidelines for ESG, or environmental, social, and governance, but in practice it can be confusing and even controversial. The Onion provides a guide to socially responsible investing. Q: How do I get started in socially responsible investing? A: First, ask … Read more

Bannon Defies Subpoena On Grounds He Digesting Wild Boar Whole Over Next 6 Months

WASHINGTON—Paving the way for the committee to seek criminal charges against the political advisor, former Trump strategist Steve Bannon defied a subpoena from the January 6 Select Committee on the grounds that he would be digesting a whole wild boar over the next six months, sources confirmed Friday. “Unfortunately, Mr. Bannon has already unhinged his … Read more

Sleep Easy, Gamers: The Original Team Of Developers Behind ‘GoldenEye 007’ All Have Robust Savings Accounts And Can Comfortably Provide For Their Families

For decades, there’s been one question that’s tortured gamers of all ages and stripes: How did the original team of developers behind Goldeneye 007 make out? Well, after a robust inquiry put forth by our investigative journalism unit, we at OGN are happy to confirm that the creators of one of the most influential first-person … Read more

Most Terrifying Ways The Government Is Spying On You

There he is, sitting in the corner of your house as your family eats dinner, watching you on the treadmill at the gym, following you into the bathroom stall at work, all the while mumbling and taking notes on a weathered yellow legal pad. While it’s hard to remember a time before Marty, as if … Read more

Intergalactic Animal Rights Groups Condemn Use Of Brutal, Unsanitary Planet To Raise Human Meat

PR 0201 B—Issuing their latest denunciation in a long string of statements deploring the treatment of living, sentient beings, intergalactic animal rights groups reportedly condemned the use of a brutal, unsanitary planet Friday to raise human meat. “For far too long, we have kept Homo sapiens crammed in disgusting conditions in the Earth slaughterhouse, and … Read more

Similac Introduces New Ghost Pepper Infant Formula

CHICAGO—Touting the new product as a nourishing and blazing-hot way to give newborns their daily nutrients, Similac introduced a new ghost pepper infant formula this week. “Our new formula contains 70% of a growing baby’s daily nutrients plus a tongue-scorching 1,000,000 Scoville Heat Units per serving,” said Kristin Cornell, spokesperson for Similac parent company Abbott … Read more