NASA Lights Astronauts On Fire In Order To Simulate Life Of Venus

HOUSTON—Noting that the training mission would provide crucial insight into humanity’s potential for interplanetary travel, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Thursday that they had lit three astronauts on fire in an experiment to simulate life on Venus. “Setting these astronauts aflame provides our first real glimpse into the sort of rigorous training that our personnel would need to survive Venus’s 900-degree Fahrenheit days,” said agency administrator Bill Nelson, adding that NASA researchers had taken exacting measurements of the astronaut’s vitals in the anguished moments before they were incinerated. “We were also able to replicate Venus’s harsh atmospheric conditions by dumping sulfuric acid onto these brave men as they pleaded for mercy. It’s a fascinating window into what our astronauts will actually experience once they step foot onto the Morning Star.” Nelson added that the agency then crushed the astronauts’ bodies in a trash compactor to simulate the effects of Jupiter’s extreme gravity on the human skeleton.

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