Bank Hostages Whining As If They Not Getting Whole Day Off Work

NEW YORK—Refusing to maintain a good attitude and make the most of the situation, hostages at a midtown branch of People’s United Bank reportedly spent Wednesday whining as if they weren’t getting the whole day off work. “Jeez, I understand that getting tied up and thrown in the vault might be a little annoying, but these people are essentially getting a paid vacation from what seemed like a pretty ho-hum job,” said local bank robber Angelo Hurston, questioning why the hostages continued to whimper and complain hours into the armed standoff, despite the police sending in takeout and thereby giving the entire staff what amounted to an all-expenses-paid office party. “I also don’t get why they keep telling me they have children. They wouldn’t be seeing them during work hours, anyway, so that’s no reason to burst into tears. Sheesh. This guard here gets to spend the entire day unconscious on the floor. I mean, that’s the dream, isn’t it?” At press time, sources confirmed that Hurston had decided he would start executing one of the hostages every hour to see if that helped put the rest in a more positive mood.

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